Waiting for Ikari
by I Kazuki
Summary: In the hospital rooms of NERV, Ayanami Rei watches over the one she cannot be with, the one that she was denied by the tragedy to come...to save him her pain. Told from the perspective of Rei. Waiting for Ikari-kun. A heart can only stand so much...


**Author's Notes: **I decided I'd do this fanfic after much debating over whether or not it possessed inherent merit on it's own. So, I've decided to do it as a one shot. It might---might---get tied into something else if I have use for this. I have Random1377 for jarring me into doing this after I read _When All that's Left is Stillness_, since I'd been thinking of this one shot for a while. So, here it is. Please visit my benefactor !! (Tales of Apartment 402) Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu! Domo ne.

Waiting for Ikari-kun Disclaimer: All characters, places, and names 

_Are the explicit property of GAINAX co. Used _

_Without permission for nonprofit._

_Original story concept by Kazuhiko Kazuki_

Vigil 

When I saw, from my vantage point inside NERV, the deadly particle stream emanated from Ramiel, the Fifth Angel, strike home, I initially, as always, felt nothing. However, once I realized that Ikari-kun would not be able to evade it, something faint stirred within the chilled façade I present to this world. It was not world-shattering by any means, but I was... concerned?

So carefully had I constructed this image of myself, as the Commander taught me for so many years. So faithful I had been in my status-quo enforcing, emotionally repressing faculties, I barely believed myself capable now of feeling anything aside from the Void. How could I possibly allow myself this respite, this momentary, fleeting, and tantalizing sense of confusion within?

These questions were rendered irrelevant as my retinas burned with the sight of Evangelion Unit 01 being ravaged, and brought beneath the great fortress city of Tokyo-3.

"Life signs are unstable, Emergency ejection of LCL in progress!" I heard a voice announce from somewhere on the bridge, as I sat within the confines of my entry plug, the Throne of the Soul. It was so...alien, this new feeling.

Even now as I watch him, unconscious within the medical life-support tube, still in my plugsuit, I cannot help but wonder. I suppress these feelings for the moment, hoping they will disappear. I do not want them, I do not need them. They do not pertain to my existence, as I was told so long ago, and yet seemingly like the day before.

But if they were so irrelevant, why then, do I dwell on them?

It aches, the Void Within, the one thing I cannot wholly comprehend about myself. It is spawned from insecurity, from doubt. These things I am not allowed to have, should _not_ have, lest I waver from my cause. My mission is of greatest importance, it is the reason for my being. I cannot go against what makes me who I am as the wood of the trees cannot grow against themselves. The Void can only be filled once I complete Complementation. Instrumentality.

Or can it?

My reason for being...intellectually I know I can be replaced. I am always expendable, I am not my own to do with as I please, nor do I particularly care. That involves things, which I am not comfortable with...which I do not understand. How can people be so blasé about the things they do, and decide on a whim, whether or not to initiate conversation, to go here, or there, so easily? A part of me wishes I knew what it was like...it is a curious thing, and my other self repudiates that. What is that Void, the Void I feel when I pilot Eva, the one I feel when I am at school...even the one I feel in my bed before I fall asleep?

Ayanami Rei. That is who I am. That is what I will be. But...what is Ayanami Rei? Does that categorize me as a human being? Am I a human being at all? Why do I question my own existence? Do others do as I do, and second guess their being?

Does he do so? In that coma of his, wrapped away from the world?

What is my fascination with him? I vividly recall now, his hands upon me, arms around me as the pain of my injuries made me succumb. It was the first time I saw him. I felt nothing then, only the pain. Had he not taken up his role as the Designated Pilot of 01, I would have perished, only to be replaced, my usefulness outlived. What I feel now...this odd warmth, attempting to encroach on the void of emptiness...what is it? It feels like...Ikari-kun.

Is this why even now, I sit and observe him? I follow him now, closely, as his form is carted to a hospital room down the hall from the emergency medical area of the NERV hospital, located under the Geofront. Someone tells me that visitors are not allowed, and I ignore them. When they attempt to bar my presence, I present them with my NERV ID card.

Now, unfettered, I pull up a chair, the light from a window hitting my face only slightly, as watch the Third Child sleep in peaceful slumber. What was it that brought me here, to watch him? For now, I will lay away that question. I wish to know...for some reason...if he is destined to awaken from that sleep. The doctors said to me only moments ago that he will awaken in a few hours. Will it be in time to stop the Angel? Can he?

I stare in wonder almost, at his closed lids, as his chest rises and falls slowly with each passing breath. Is...Ikari-kun what I am looking for to fill this void? Most likely not. So, I sit, and I wait. For a moment, I wonder what it would be like once again, to feel him touch me, hold me as he did that day on the Eva Cage's catwalk. Almost immediately, I dispel this thought form my mind. It is ludicrous. Unnecessary. For what motives should I ...feel this way?

He awakens. Slowly, and groggily, but lucid enough so that I can inform him of our mission schedule. But then...he says something unexpected. In a strange manner, he asks, "How can you get back in that thing, Ayanami, after having such a bad experience...?"

I give pause for a long moment, before looking at him squarely, my fingers gripping the cold metal of the food cart, I cannot reply. Why is it that I got in the Evangelion? I know this is because Ikari-shirei ordered me to do so, and it is my purpose. Why should it be a mystery to him? But...I decide not to answer.

Instead, I offer. "Then don't. I will go."

Ikari's composure is thrown into confusion. "What?"

"Unit 01's data can be reset for me. Dr. Akagi can do it." I answer, knowing that I may or may not be able to pilot against Ramiel.

What...is this I just said? It...makes no sense. I witnessed myself say something I possessed absolutely no reason to say. There is undeniably something amiss with me today. Are all people so mired with questions about the things they say? Do I want Ikari to stay here?

After I leave, I puzzle over this for a long time as I prepare to get ready for the mission. Yes...I want him to stay in bed. I am replaceable....Ikari-kun...is _not_ replaceable. This feeling of uniqueness about his existence fosters a sense of...specialty about him...about his nature. What makes him, of all people, special? Is he like his father, the Commander, special? What is special about the commander?

_The Commander gives you life,_ I tell myself, I will myself to believe. _Ikari-kun does nothing for me._ Yet, that is inherently false. He has put his safety above my own, against Sachiel.

Unbelievable.

A smell of Blood 

**-NERV Hospital, post-defeat of Leliel- **

The sky was dark, the day Leliel was destroyed, in a warped mimicry of birth, blood spilling upon concrete and steel alike. I watched this day as if I were dependent on the outcome. Earlier I lost my temper with the Second over Ikari-kun. And later...I was informed I said over the communications link, Ikari's first name.... Shinji.

He returned to the outside world. I feel...content?

Yet he needs rest, the personnel say. I sit in a chair by his bedside, waiting for him once again. What are these feelings that I feel within me? Why do I feel so...satisfied he is here, and safe? I cannot understand on it, much less act on it.

There is a part of me which knows how I feel is wrong. It cannot be, because of the Commander's wishes. There is no room for this feeling, for my purpose denies it. Would he care for me if he knew? I will not say it to him, when he awakens from slumber. But I can indulge in this, at the very least, to satisfy the uneasy nervousness within my unstill, wavering heart. How can I waver so?

His chest rises and falls steadily, and the steady chirps of the heart-monitor provide a backbeat for their tempo. All except him is unmoving, as light filters in from behind me. Awash in this pale, milky light, I move forward, with curiosity, to observe him, eyes glancing at his closed lids. Should I? Why is it I want this one thing?

Unable to stop myself, I rest a hand on his chest, feeling it swell with air, then deflate to only rise again. It is very warm, like his hand was the night we defeated Ramiel. He is soft, even under the starched hospital gown he wears. His warmth and feel serve as temporary comfort, so that I may forget the devastation, fundamental change I must help the commander bring about. I cannot change this, I cannot help but _be_ who I am. Can I?

These still moments will serve as the only pleasure I may have to call my own.

Belongings 

**After Bardiel**

Again he sleeps, next to the other boy...the one who suffered at the hands of Bardiel. There are no words I have for what he has been through, the irony of destruction at the hands of his friend's Eva. Eva only brings pain. This pain we all carry is the only thing we have in common.

I wish I could have more in common with Shinji than just pain.

I am not allowed to go in that room, so I sit on a bench outside, waiting. Will he leave NERV after this? The commander was very angry, I saw, when Shinji refused to stand down from within the Eva. That was very infantile of him. How could he not know that it was his duty to fight? It makes me want to think less of him. Yet I cannot, for if I did, I would begin to lose the only thing I have comfort in. Nor the security of my own calm, nor the steadfast nature of the commander can comfort me so. This feeling...this ability...

It belongs to _him._

Does this want of mine, to be near him so, belong to me? Is it something mine and only mine? The Second seems to not want to be around him, but does so anyways. Does she ...want him so? How can I know? All I know is that I do not wish to be alone from him now. Is this happiness, I seek?

What is happiness? I do not know. Loneliness is all I know.

This sense of belonging...is it what all people seek? Am I like them in the way that I wish to be close to him? Is that want a link to common ground? It is...because all things are pained and wish to relieve that pang of emptiness. It is the only thing besides pain—wanting to rid myself of it—that links me with him. I do not even know if he wishes the same towards me.

I hope he does, but it does not matter right now. If he did, it would only bring him more pain once the Angels have all attacked.

Prayer, Wish, From which we never know 

**After Zuriel**

I stand in front of Evangelion unit 01. It has taken from me what I hold most dear. For thirty days we all have waited to see what would come of Dr. Akagi Ritsuko's now failed plan.

In quiet desperation, I sink to my knees, clutching the cold rails of the Eva Cage catwalk. My mind turns to the situation once again, and I pray, to whatever should exist in this universe...even if it is Evangelion 01, so that he may return.

_You cannot have him, _I say in my prayer, _he is mine. Please, give him back to me...please..._

I feel a heart-wrenching agony within me at the prospect of no longer seeing Shinji-kun, of no longer being able to be near him. It pains me just thinking of such an existence. Why? I do not know, but I am certain this would come to pass if Shinji-kun disappeared from my life.

This prayer I send is one so that I may be happy perhaps, one day, watching over him, so that I may have that small bit of warmth for myself. It is a selfish prayer, I know, yet I cannot but want it for myself. I am not deserving of it, but I call for it.

Later, when he is lying in bed, recovering, I sit once again, waiting to see if he awakens soon. My hand touches his softly, more than I would usually dare, but the Angels are almost through with their march, I know not if I will be able to touch him like this again.

In this life, I will never be able to be held by his arms, and comforted by his warmth as much as I would have him do. It is not allowed to me. If our lives were not these, if there were no Angels, no Second or Third Impacts, maybe we might have found that happiness between us. Would he accept me then?

There can be only one more beginning: Third Impact. I will have to sacrifice myself to Lilith and return to the primary existence for Lilim. Yet I will do this...for _his_ sake, and no other. He has suffered too much. He will be able to create his own world, for his heart, and if he wishes to, live in my own heart in the primordial soup, or with the Second, or the Major. Whomever makes him happy. It will be my gift, the only gift I am allowed to give him.

For some reason I find tears streaming down my cheeks, falling to my lap. Am I the one that is crying? Impossible. Yet I know it to be true. I ardently wish, that in another life I may see him again, and tell him these things I think, the feelings I have felt since that day which he comforted me in pain, that night he rushed to my aid in the entry plug of my Eva 00. I wish to be his, so that he may be with me as he may wish, so that I may enjoy that feeling, so that I can feel the warmth of his heart.

Perhaps this will never happen. Perhaps whatever powers that be will once again, not allow it, but I will let it be my wish. I will pray for it with all that remains of me to do so. It will me my wanting, my sole reason for existing—Third Impact will only be a means to an end now.

When I die, I will see him again, and I will be happy. For now, I rest my head on his chest, listening to his breathing, and his heart, marking the time until this world comes to an end, and a new one begins.

Indeed. The fate of destruction will be the joy of rebirth...


End file.
